Archive for the ‘Film Stories’ category

Worst Films of All Time by Dave

July 7, 2010

Recently I have been itching to see a great new film, but my regular checking of what’s showing has not discovered anything remotely interesting. Shrek 4 will most likely be worth seeing. If you listen to online rumours (or Sam’s review) you could argue that Toy Story 3 is somewhat epic. But I want more than Pixar Animation right now. I want something that makes me think, I’d even settle for something that’d make me cry.

Now let’s get serious, I just want something interesting! Give me s half-baked original plot where the actors put a little bit extra into their lines and I’ll be on my way. Maybe I’m too hard to please. Who knows?

So I began to think… “David, you hear so frequently the notion of ‘thinking outside the box’ and ‘doing what others are not willing to’- this is how you will enliven your film watching!”. Then it hit me. If I cannot be smiled or happied (please ignore the new vocabularly- surely it should not be only Shakespeare who has licence to make up new words) by a new film, what I will settle for it any form of emotional journey, even if this comes in negative form.

The Room 2003

The Room 2003

Anger will suffice. Stir is some frustration and a hint of disbelief and what you not have is a sumptuous dish of captivating film- or at least an emotionally charged experience. It occurred to me that no sooner would I hit an emotional everest than if I subjected myself to a terrible film. I began the search for, perhaps the worst film of all time. Wikipedia was helpful, but it turns out there are not only ‘some’, but innumerate films contending for the title. After some careful consideration, I decided to settle for a relatively modern ‘classic’ called The Room which launched its soon-to-crash box office rocket in 2003. This was sure to be a night of pure torture. I headed to the local video shop. As a brief aside, they no longer stock video cassettes- but moving right along…

I walked slowly to the counter and approached the owner. Whilst I am outwardly friendly to this man, I must say that I have some serious questions about his ability to run a successful business. He turned my beloved local video store into a semi-Kwik-E-Mart-like one-stop-shop for all things overpriced and ‘convenient’. Nevertheless, I slowly told him my quandary: I wanted this film The Room as I understood it was perhaps one of the worst films of all time. His initial response was confusion. Then he began to audibly chuckle. “Are you serious?” He begged. I nodded. He looked down at his computer screen and started searching away. I looked at the packets of microwave popcorn on the counter and considered a purchase. I refrained.

Sorry mate we don’t have it”. I was pleased. This was surely a terrible idea from the beginning. He then jolted, “but if you really want a bad movie I have just the thing!” He started walking down an aisle. I followed.

This movie is so bad. I guarantee it’s just what you’re looking for”. He smirked. “Its in the adult section…”.

This was far from the direction I had seen my night heading.

Listen, granted I did approach you with a particular request. But I need to draw the line.” So I walked back to the counter thinking I’d end the night with a grape-flavoured slush puppy and an early night. Then his partner interjected. I’d noticed he’d been listening in on our odd ‘worst movie’ discussion.

I’ve got just the movie for you”. He quickly disappeared down a nearby aisle and came back holding a DVD jacket with a long list of actors, including Julia Roberts, Sophia Loren, Kim Bassinger, and what seemed like an altogether good cast.

When I was younger I took a group of 15 people to go see this at the cinemas. It was so bad that only two of us were left at the end- me and my (now) wife”. The film was a 1994 satirical black comedy directed and produced by Robert Altman, called Prêt-à-Porter.

Running out of patience with these two jokers I quickly announced “I’ll take it”. That was that.

To cut a long story short, it’s still sitting on my bench at home. I have no desire to watch it. I guess willpower can only take you so far! I just couldn’t do it to myself.

But it got me thinking, what was your worst film experience?